Dear employees,
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of
economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40
years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as
RAPE *(Retire Aged People Early).*
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible
for the SHAFT scheme *(Special Help After Forced Termination). *Persons
who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW programme *
(Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers)*. A person may be RAPED once,
SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS *(Additional Income for
Dependants & Spouse) *or HERPES *(Half Earnings for Retired Personnel
Early Severance). * Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be
SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much
SHIT *(Special High Intensity Training)* as possible. Management has
always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should you
feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring to the attention of
your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can
handle.
Enjoy the Holidays!
Sincerely,
The Management
